"The Sleeping Game": An Insomniac’s Poem

The Sleeping Game
Insomniac routine –
‘Tis unwanted playtime for
My brain.  Frenetic bed-time activity –
Been here, done this before – chronic
Noise filled solitude ensues.
Welcome to the sleeping game.
The players are me… and me.
Nightly, recruited by a forceful scout,
I unwillingly participate in
Irrational game play, pleading forfeit –
Such a request overruled, denied.
There is no regard for season, inclement weather,
No empathy for injury or illness –
No one gives up, no one quits.
The match between brain and body…
There is no winner.
The game ensues, becoming quizzical.
To-do lists, NOT-to-do lists, WHY-did-I-do-that lists –
Permeate my conscience in search of answers,
Full knowing, it’s all for naught. No matter…
3:00am has now come and gone.
Momentary common sense, rational thoughts
Attempts to mediate the scuffle, fleeting
Separate grandiose vs. fantastical reality.
TIME OUT…for now –
Acceptance of moiety will suffice…for now –
Until tomorrow, when the game resumes again…

As it always does.
MPP:2013

Author: Mary

ABOUT MARY ~ I am a "late-blooming" writer from Texas who specializes in creative writing/poetry. I have a background in music, the performing arts, and enjoyed 14 years in sales/marketing & as a special events planner in the private club industry. I am a 1990 graduate from The University of North Texas who started off as a music major (voice), but I wasn't "feeling" it was the right fit. So, I took a break, changed directions & graduated with a B.S. in Hotel/Restaurant Management. I was an athletic, healthy young woman who also displayed an unfortunate pattern in the men I chose in life (life lessons indeed!). After a brief marriage in the early 1990's, I decided to focus on my career, yet 5 years later I met hubby #2. So, with more maturity & high hopes for success, I married again & became a full time stepmother of two. Along with several rewarding events & fond memories came more challenges, yet I maintained a fun, successful career in the food and beverage industry until 2001. Life...as I knew it changed when I received the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Looking back, I must have been in denial or a state of confused shock as to how dramatically my life would actually change. I attempted to work a few more years after diagnosis, but I was becoming more unpredictable, forgetful, & lost - my job performance was never quite right anymore. You see, this disease affects everyone different. I went through relapses & other issues, but my mobility was intact - then. Unless you REALLY know me, I was then & continue to be labeled an "invisible symptom" case. My MS enjoys messing with my brain, & many other body functions. Anxiety, mood changes, nerve pain, heat & fatigue are debilitating - quite an uphill battle especially when stress is involved. A few more "in denial" years went by & I dealt with this vile invasion of my "internal room-mate". My husband couldn't understand, nor could he handle my ever increasing health issues - he hated every part of it (I don't really blame him for that). But, he avoided being around me when I was suffering - he {didn't sign on for this & I sure didn't look sick}. He was embarrassed as to how my MS affected his lifestyle. So, divorce and other challenges came into play in 2009. Those were painful, rough days. I know now I was suffering from a nervous breakdown. Not yet had I thought to seek the help of a professional therapist to help me cope or to help purge the noisy voices & chaos inside my head, so I began to purge through writing. WRITING saved me! I attempted to compose little songs & dove into playing piano again - I even taught myself a little acoustic guitar & it felt good...soothing. I had found a form of therapy which enabled me to breathe again; a healing tool that didn't require a prescription. This journey to reinvent myself actually seemed plausible via my artsy background & new creative outlets. I've become a student again & the benefits of turning off our "auto pilot switch" & instead focusing on learning new, foreign things & activities is priceless. This "rewiring" of the brain is called Neuroplasticity. Writing (primarily poetry) & music has filled me with a POWERFUL passion, purpose, & endless possibility. This may sound odd, but I'm grateful for the tough times! There's this gift called "resilience" - my MS & other life struggles have gifted this to me. A gift which forced me to find "me" & to focus on the important things in life...to laugh, live selflessly with compassion & passion. Find me on: 🔸Twitter: @pettigrew66, @MSpals, @MSpalsPoets 🔸Facebook: MaryPettigrew48 🔸LinkedIn: http://linkedin.com/in/mary-pettigrew-1b582330 🔸Instagram: 🔸https://www.mspals.org Acknowledgments and Press ~ • Two of my early poems were published in the U.K. in book compilations of poetry: ~The Summer of Sport: Forward Poetry 2012 ~ Poetry Rivals Collection 2013 • Featured in 2 articles in The National Multiple Sclerosis Society's 'Momentum Magazine' ~ 2013 = art therapy & MS ~ 2015 = connecting via social media • My work has been featured/published in various book compilations, blogs, websites, as well as other multimedia platforms including: www.pajamadaze.com www.disabled-world.com www.HealthCentral.com www.MyCounterpane.com www.MS&MeRadio/TBI Network Something On Our Minds (SOOM): funds The Accelerated Cure Project "Twitter Q&A" - A Writers Experience (details forthcoming) • Creator & Co-founder of MSpals: a global organization (2014)

4 thoughts on “"The Sleeping Game": An Insomniac’s Poem”

  1. Mary,
    I loved this poem aptly describing insomnia; love the inside head game you describe and the lists…Ha! I'd be tempted to say, journaling before bed helps. 😉

    I love your blog, the books, the color, etc.

    Good day to you. 🙂
    Be refreshed
    Dawn Herring

    Like

  2. Dawn,
    Thanks so much…insomnia is a bugger & we all have it from time to time. I keep a notepad next to my bed because, once in awhile, I get some great writing ideas to tackle later! Your comments mean a lot to me!

    Like

  3. Susan often plays the same game. Its, well… Often but not always. She wakes up when I do at 5:30am, but doesn’t fall asleep. It’s not until I get home. Then falls asleep sort of hard. I wake her to eat. She drifts back off, then when it is time for me to go to sleep she’s awake. Her sleep schedule is a mess and in turn it sort of effects mine. She flip on the television. I miss you and pray for you as well. Take care friend. Getting ready to have knee surgery on April 4. Need to do some prepping of home

    Like

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