In Gratitude & Catharsis

I’ve spent the last several days deep in thought… In my head, writing drafts – all of which reveal the many inspirational, motivational, & sometimes painful details of my weekend with the #HealtheVoices 2019 Conference. As I finally begin to write this, I’m keenly aware my story is a multifaceted reflection of events, all of which left quite an emotional impact on me. Before I go any further, I must express my overwhelming gratitude to everyone responsible for making HealtheVoices19 an unforgettable experience for all! THANK YOU to Janssen for making it possible for all of us to come together. THANK YOU to the entire HealtheVoices team for creating an unprecedented event of genius & perfection. THANK YOU to the 2019 advisory board, all speakers, media, partners & everyone who worked their magic behind the scenes to pull it all together.

I live in Dallas – The HealtheVoices conference was in Dallas. Come Friday morning I was giddy with excitement & filled with nervous energy as I made the short trip from my house to the hotel via Uber. I checked in, draped my badge around my neck & entered the conference room. Instantly, I was overwhelmed by the electricity buzzing throughout. Still excited, yet feeling somewhat discombobulated, I took a seat at table #11 & met my table mates (Julie, Jim, Joel, Jen, Kelly & Wendy).

There was much to absorb & lots of activity going on… all at once. Towards the conclusion of the “Rising Through Resilience” session, I began to feel somewhat disconnected with my surroundings. My mouth became dry & I was having a difficult time swallowing. I tried to consume plenty of water, yet still found no relief. I was now beyond uncomfortable, fidgety & distracted by the anxiety moving in. Lunch was coming soon, so I kept telling myself, “breathe, just hold on, it’ll be ok, just a few more minutes,” yet I’d already begun to tumble down the rabbit hole.

The next several minutes are a blur as tunnel vision, ringing in my ears & a racing heartbeat all but consumed me – I felt everyone was watching. NOW, I was deep in the throws of the worst panic attack I’ve ever experienced. No matter how hard I tried to calm myself, I was too far gone & couldn’t break free.

Sensory overload is a bugger for many of us with chronic illness & it’s not always possible for us to predict, nor control the environment in which we often find ourselves. Therefore, if we’re prone to anxiety/panic, it’s crucial we try to be prepared for the unknown by learning various tools, triggers & coping skills needed for self care & preservation. I lost track of such tools that day.

I became somewhat “paralyzed,” speechless & felt broken beyond repair. I felt I had no other option but to gather my belongings & leave the room. I made my way to the hotel lobby, collapsed into a chair & began to sob. Cathy Chester (a dear friend of mine) came up to the lobby & sat down next to me. Knowing/understanding exactly what I was going through, she was a comfort to me like no other! Dawn Gibson (another beautiful friend) happened to come up too & she too came to my side. The three of us sat together, chatting until it was time for Uber to arrive & take me home. I still couldn’t breathe – not until a few hours later did I finally exhale. Thank you also for Teresa Wright Johnson who continued to text, checking in on me during this time of distress.

In the quiet solitude of home, I crawled into bed, tried to relax, but couldn’t. I was thoroughly exhausted, yet restless & riddled with self inflicted guilt. Unable to rest fully, I started to peruse the conference handouts & got to know various people via the directory of attendees. I still wanted, needed to be able to participate with HealtheVoices in some form or fashion, so I found comfort sitting in with the live streaming sessions. I also found I could actually engage via virtually & through Facebook & Twitter. This opportunity made me feel a bit better & upon nightfall, I was looking forward to taking part in the events planned throughout the weekend.

I had every intention of returning to the conference Saturday morning, but my body had other plans. The intense stress of the day caused my GI system to react accordingly. A couple hours later, trigeminal neuralgia & spasticity kicked in. All of this occurred in the middle of the night, so my sleep was minimal to none. Frustrated, in pain & dealing with the return of guilt & emotional distress, I knew I would be forced to stay in bed all day. I allowed myself a brief pity party as I texted Barby Ingle the details of my unexpected absenteeism. She was absolutely wonderful & understanding of my situation & I’m forever grateful for her. Still, I couldn’t rest, determined not to miss out on anything more than I had to. So, I went back to being a virtual attendee for the day & was pleasantly surprised with the experience as a whole. It was possible to be quite interactive on many levels & I even found myself being able to engage with others, one-on-one!

Finally able to get some sleep on Saturday night, I hoped & prayed I’d feel good enough to attend the last few hours of the conference on Sunday. Although feeling still a bit fragile, I gathered myself together & made my way back to the conference. My full intentions were to catch up with all my people, share hugs & participate in whatever way possible to make up for lost time – to some degree, I succeeded & was able to breathe again.

I’m forever grateful to those who took the time to be there for me. Such acts of kindness from friends & strangers alike meant the world to me then – and now! Thank you all for the ongoing reassurance, comfort & support – I’ll never forget this.

Rusty’s Sun

I’m an avid viewer of the CBS Sunday Morning Show & thanks to DVR, I rarely miss a show.  I was especially delighted to see the 1/27/19 segment about Jessica Frank, the “keeper of the suns.”  For 20 years, Jessica has been collecting and “handpicking every shining example of sun artwork to appear on the program – about 9000 and counting!”  I absolutely loved this segment & the story is fascinating!

Jessica Frank, CBS SUnday
Jessica Frank, CBS Sunday – “The Keeper of the Suns”

I immediately called my mother, told her about the show & asked her to send me a photo of the ceramic sun I had made when I was a little girl.  She has had it hanging in her kitchen for years.  So, in addition to a little background story about my art and the inspiration behind it, I eagerly submitted my sun to CBS Sunday Morning.  Maybe one day it’ll make its television debut!

 

~ It was summertime in Cape Girardeau, Missouri.  I believe I was in the second or third grade at the time, so I suppose the year was 1973 or 1974.  My parents were in the midst of divorce, so my mother made sure my brother & I had a variety of activities to keep us busy… including art classes.  At the time, I didn’t realize just how powerful those art classes were & how they would end up affecting my life today!  I’m forever grateful for my art teacher, Rusty Garner.  Everything about her was pure magic (at least in my eyes)!  Her studio was a large barn-like structure, detached from the back of her house.  I remember the musty smell of clay, paints & other art supplies – This aroma permeated the entire studio, our clothes & I loved it all!  I couldn’t wait to enter Rusty’s world!  She made sure there would always be something new in store for us to create & explore.

Sadly, my summers with Rusty came to a close in 1976 when my family moved to Texas.  To this day, all my pottery & artwork lives with family, so I get to see it all the time.  In my childhood works, I also see Rusty & realize I never had a chance to thank her for all she had taught me.  I never had a chance to tell her just how much of an impact she had made on me all those years ago – An impact still palpable to this day.

Rusty had a “larger than life” personality – she exuded joy, passion & purpose.  She was an enigmatic light in my life which continues to shine as bright as the sun!

 

Sun

 

Life Happens

“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”  ~ John Lennon

I hadn’t gleaned the thought of writing anything tonight, nor had I any desire to do so.  However, as I took notice of the many other writers sharing social media posts & commentary about their own frustrations & various roadblocks, I decided to reflect on this a bit & decided to write about why I write… or why I don’t write.  Without any particular  topic in mind, my words tonight are meant as a cathartic reminder for myself & hopefully for others who might be reading.

Life happens.  Sometimes things happen beyond our control, but sometimes we simply need to take a breath, freeing ourselves from unsatisfying, exhausting attempts to be the perfect version of ourselves as a writer in order to please our readers.  However, once we lose sight of ourselves & own pleasure, our written words can reflect this & the reader will notice as well.  Here’s one of my favorite quotes I find quite fitting for this post & for writers in general.

“I write for myself & strangers.  The strangers, dear readers are an afterthought “  ~ Gertrude Stein

Life happens.  With every ebb & flow, take these moments (or years), attend to the needs at hand.  Some writers are able to dive back into their work without skipping a beat.  Others must take time to reflect, regroup or reinvent themselves & their work.

Life happens.  Sometimes we need to escape from such mental rigidity, finding the contentment to write about “nothing,” yet more often than not, something always comes from nothing.  I think I’ll try to make more time to let myself go – to write freely, without the self inflicted cognitive overload caused from laborious hours nitpicking my verbiage, format & flow.

I suppose I’ll consider this post a prologue, a precursor intended to spawn future posts, musings & observations about writers & writing.  Stay tuned.

girl writing on a black keyboard
Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

Lessons Never Ending ~

033153CF-9614-4139-8A01-46D42ED1DF57I have no words.  On this particular evening, words don’t seems to matter.  Sometimes we need the silence to better understand what we cannot control.  My mind is content to leave this post just as it is with closing comments already expressed here, amongst the clouds in this image.